


You Fight Those Fairies!

by SuperWhoLockianFangirl



Category: Supernatural, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Completely insane, Crack, Humor, Mild Language, Twilight Bashing, Violence for the sake of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-04-21
Packaged: 2017-12-09 03:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/769500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperWhoLockianFangirl/pseuds/SuperWhoLockianFangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While working a job in Forks, Washington, Sam and Dean meet the lamest vampires ever.</p>
<p>Because the Cullens need to die somehow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Fight Those Fairies!

**Author's Note:**

> This is complete and utter crack. I wrote this because I wanted Sam and Dean to kill the Cullens and it was way too much fun to write. Enjoy.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Dean frowned, staring at Sam from where he sat on the motel bed. "You're telling me… She's his girlfriend?"

"Yep," Sam nodded, looking just as confused as his brother. "They've apparently been dating for a while…"

"And she's totally human?"

"As far as I can tell," Sam nodded, "They're engaged."

Dean frowned, "She's eighteen,"

"And?"

"And… isn't that a little… young for marriage?"

Sam shrugged, "I'd say the whole 'marrying a vampire' thing is our main concern. I mean, who knows, maybe this nest just has some weird fetish or something."

"What? Getting some teenager to fall for them, then marrying them so they can… kill them or turn them?"

"Beats me, dude,"

Dean frowned, "And they've been in this same town for… how long?"

"At least four years," Sam said, "But I did some digging and they sound pretty similar to another family that lived here about a century ago, just with more vampires now."

Dean sighed, lifting his machete out of the open duffle bag on his bed. "Alright then," he said, "Looks like we're gonna have to talk to this Swan chick."

* * *

They cornered the eighteen year old girl as she was turning the key into her front door. It had been less than easy to find the girl alone – she was nearly always with her boyfriend. Thankfully, he'd left town for some reason.

"Hey," Dean reached out to touch her on the shoulder and she spun around, nearly landing on her butt. Lucky for her, Sam caught her by the elbow and tugged her back up before she could suffer any real damage.

"Sorry 'bout that," Dean smiled, but the girl eyed him warily and Sam stepped forward, putting on his best puppy face.

"You're Bella Swan, right?" he asked. When she only nodded mutely, he continued, "I'm Sam and this is my brother, Dean… We just wanna talk to you for a second, I promise. We're not gonna hurt you or anything."

She hesitated only for a moment, "I've seen you guys in town," she said slowly, "My dad said you were FBI or something."

"Right," Sam sighed in relief, nodding. He and Dean pulled out their false IDs and showed them to her. Her shoulders relaxed a bit and she nodded, pushing the front door open and waving for them to go inside ahead of her.

"What do you need to talk to me about?" she asked, tugging off her coat and hanging it near the door.

Sam glanced over at Dean cautiously as they sat down on the couch. "Well," Sam started slowly, "It's about your… fiancé…"

Bella's brows rose and she nearly flopped down into a chair across from them. "Edward?" her voice rose a few octaves, "He's alright, isn't he?"

"Um, yeah, yeah, he's fine," Sam said, "Look, there's really no delicate way to put this… but… have you noticed anything… strange about Edward?"

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously then, "Strange how?"

Sam fought to find the right words and Dean sighed, leaning forward, "Strange like… avoiding direct sunlight, drinking the blood of innocent people, that sort of thing?"

She frowned, standing up, "I think you should leave,"

Sam and Dean stood, but Sam shook his head, "Listen, Bella, I know it sounds insane, alright, but your boyfriend is a vampire and we're pretty sure his entire family is too. They're dangerous –"

Bella crossed her arms, "I know he's a vampire!" she snapped.

Sam blinked, "Wh-What?"

"But Edward would never hurt me," she insisted. "He loves me."

Dean laughed a disbelieving laugh, "Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. Listen, sister, vampires don't _love_ humans, they _eat_ them!"

"Not the Cullens," Bella insisted, "They're vegetarian."

"What the fuck does that even mean?" Dean demanded.

Bella rolled her eyes, "They only feed on animals."

"That's… that's not vegetarian," Sam said, frowning. "That's like… the exact opposite of vegetarian."

The teenager scowled, "Look, Edward is a good vampire and he'd never do anything to hurt me. We're in love and after we get married, he's going to turn me into a sparkling, awesome, unkillable, blood-sucking monster just like him!"

"Wait… He's going to turn you after you get married?" Dean gaped at the girl, wondering if perhaps she'd been dropped on her head a few too many times.

"Of course," she snapped, "Why the hell do you think I'm marrying him?"

* * *

"We gotta take 'em out, right?" Sam asked as he and Dean left the house. "I mean, the girl is batshit insane, but that doesn't mean we can just let the vamps turn her."

"Yeah," Dean glanced back at the house, "Think we could make an exception and kill her too? 'Cause she scared me more than the vampires."

"Dean," Sam frowned at his brother and Dean shrugged.

"Oh, c'mon, Sammy, tell you don't wanna gank her too!"

Sam scowled, but didn't argue as he and Dean climbed into the Impala and headed off in the direction of the Cullens' house.

* * *

Dean whistled as they arrived at the house. It was huge and white and the exact opposite of what a vampire should live in. They met no resistance as they pushed the front door open and stepped into the dizzyingly white entrance.

"Holy shit," Dean muttered, shaking his head. They had their machetes ready, but weren't expecting what came next. A tiny, pixie-like blur was suddenly on Dean's back, tearing at his hair.

"You will not kill us!" the girl shrieked, "We are invincible!"

Dean flailed around for a moment, trying to knock her off his back and only managing to get more of his hair ripped out for his trouble.

"Sam, little help here!" Dean grunted. Sam was fighting back a fit of laughter at seeing his brother trying to fight the girl, but the laughter died when he was tackled by a huge, body-builder look-alike who roared angrily for some reason. Maybe he couldn't speak?

"Damn it," Sam swore and jumped to his feet, his shoulder aching as he caught sight of the hulking vampire. He came at him again and Sam swung the machete, lopping his head off easily. By the time he'd turned around, Dean had managed to throw the pixie girl off his back and chop her head off as well. It was lying a few feet from her tiny body.

"Fuck, man," Dean twisted his neck, "These vampires are nuts."

Sam nodded, then frowned. "Wait a second…" he knelt next to the severed head of the big guy and frowned. "Is he… sparkling?"

They glanced toward the wall that was entirely windows, letting in the bright sunshine. The sun was hitting the corpses and making them glitter like freaking disco balls.

Dean frowned, "Dude, these things aren't vampires," he muttered, kicking the sparkling head. "They're freaking fairies!"

"ALICE!" a strangled cry suddenly caught their attention and a tall blond guy launched himself from the top of the stairs straight at Dean, knocking him on his back. A supermodel looking girl soon followed and attacked Sam, screaming something about ripping his eyes from his skull.

It took less than a minute to kill them both and they were now watching the four bodies glitter in the sunlight.

"Think if we just stand here the rest will come to us?"

"Probably," Sam agreed, nodding.

Like he'd been summoned, the vampire that had brought them there, Edward, suddenly entered the house and before he could utter a single word, Sam and Dean chopped off his unsuspecting head.

A choked sob caught their attention and they saw a tall blond dude and a horrified woman staring in shock at the dead bodies.

"My BABIES!" the woman screamed, falling to her knees. "NOOOOOO!!"

She just sat there on her knees, screaming, while Sam killed her and Dean leapt at the blond guy, who seemed to be in shock, and easily killed him as well.

"Guess these vamps didn't know anything about fighting," Dean muttered, shaking his head.

"I thought it'd be harder to kill a bunch of vampires…" Sam muttered.

The door behind them opened and they heard a quiet gasp. They turned and saw Bella Swan standing there, gaping down at the body of Edward Cullen, her eyes wide in horror.

"NO!! You killed them all!! How could you?" she snarled and snatched up the severed head, falling to her knees and wailing pathetically even though she hadn't shed a single tear.

"Look –" Sam started to explain the whole 'vampire' thing again, but Bella just wailed over him.

"HOW WILL I BECOME SPARKLY AND RICH NOW????"

Sam blinked and looked at Dean, who held up his machete hopefully.

"Come on, Sammy, please?"

Sam sighed, "Yeah, go for it,"

Dean grinned and eagerly approached the screaming, whiny little brat on the floor, chopping her head off before she even saw the blade coming.

And there was much rejoicing.

* * *

**The end.**   


**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to point out that this is all meant in good-natured humor. I despise the Twilight novels, but I mean no offense to the fans or even to the author. I want the Cullens to be brutally murdered, but that's just me.


End file.
